|Letter to a friend.|
This was originally published in TGCOMICS. ( Circa 2013)
I forgot to put it here after a few weeks. It's a small story written in the format of a letter ( An email actually).
X-SpamCatcher-Score: 1 [X]
Received: from [188.8.131.52] (HELO live.com)
by fe3.hotmail.com (CommuniGate Pro SMTP 4.1.8)
with ESMTP-TLS id 61258719 for firstname.lastname@example.org; Mon, 23 Aug 2004 11:40:10 -0400
Date: Mon, 11 Aug 2013 11:40:36 -0400
From: Jerry B. Rooss <email@example.com>
User-Agent: Mozilla/5.0 (Windows; U; Windows NT 5.1; en-US; rv:1.0.1) Gecko/20020823 Netscape/7.0
X-Accept-Language: en-us, en
To: Steven Leghorn <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Great news! I'm getting married!
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii; format=flowed
I'm aware you don't reply to my emails anymore.
But I need to let you know the good news. I'm getting married in three months and I'd love to have you as my best man at my wedding.
Remember that dating service I was telling you about just a few days before you decided — with such short notice, I must say — to join that activist group that helps children in the most isolated depths of the Amazon jungle?
Well... guess what? It wasn't a scam like you said it would be. I know it's hard to believe. It seemed very expensive but I had a hunch it would work. And it did. In fact, that $10,000 was the best investment of my life!
So, I applied for the service, paid the fee, filled a ton of online questionnaires to let them know about my life, my interests, my friends, and, of course, an extremely detailed description of the perfect girl for me. I must say I was exhausted by the time I finished filling out all those forms. They even asked me a bunch of questions about you. I guess they wanted to help you out, since you've been single for ages, because they gave me a gift certificate for a FREE DATE with your name on it. I slipped it under your door that very night. The fine print said they would take care of everything.
The next day I woke up and you weren't in your room. neither was most of your stuff. A few minutes later I received your email explaining about your plans to spend the next five years in the Amazon jungle. I must say, I was in shock. I couldn't believe you just ran away without even saying goodbye. At least you were kind enough to sell all your stuff overnight and leave enough cash to pay for your part of the rent for the next six months.
A few hours later I received another email. The one that changed my life forever.
It was from the dating service. They told me they found the girl of my dreams and that she was looking forward to going out on a date with me.
I was so excited I took some of the cash you left me and got myself some new clothes and a nice flower bouquet for my big date that night.
My jaw dropped when I saw her. There she was: her name was Stephanie, a sexy 5'9" buxom blonde with hazel eyes and a wonderful smile. Not to mention a set of killer legs and a perfect, tight butt. She was without a doubt the hottest girl I've ever seen in my life.
She looked at me with those beautiful eyes and smiled. She was shivering. I could see tears of happiness in her eyes.
It was like I knew everything about her and she knew everything about me with just one glance.
And just like that, we fell in love.
Her looks remind me of your cousin Brenda, you know? The girl I've had a crush on since I was 15? To perfectly honest with you, she looks a lot like her. Almost as if they were sisters. She could even pass as your sister, the one you never had.
She's such a wonderful woman. She's not just my lover, she's my new best friend. We connect in so many levels. She's just what I need.
Anyway. I just want to let you know that I really admire the hard work you're doing in the Amazon. I'm pretty sure it means you're very busy bringing kindness and happiness to some people who need it the most. It's a great sacrifice to suddenly abandon your life to become a guardian angel. I hope it's as rewarding for you as I think it is.
I also hope you can find the time to take a short break and come to my wedding. It's just for a few days, dude! I could even pay for your plane ticket if you want me to. You see, ever since I met Stephanie I stopped being a slacker and am finally making some serious cash. Things couldn't be better for us.
It would mean the world to me if you make it to my, erm, our wedding. It would mean a lot to Steffie too. I can see those happy tears in her beautiful eyes every time I mention your name or some funny story from back in the day. I bet you guys would get along just great. In many ways, Steffie is like a female, improved version of you. Maybe it's just my imagination. She's a wonderful roommate, she's a great friend, she's a wild animal in bed, she's my lovely fiancée, and in three months she'll be my beautiful wife.
See you in three months!
You best buddy and former roommate
PS. I checked the public records of the dating service a few weeks after you left. I found out you DID use your gift certificate hours before leaving the country. I knew it! You little devil. Is that the REAL reason you went down there, 'cause you met some hot Brazilian babe? You're probably so busy getting laid you don't even bother checking your email anymore.
I also found out you purchased some additional services from them. I'm not sure what "PermaFem Deluxe Process" or "Cupid Serum 800mg" mean, but I've got a feeling you found the love of your life that day too. Good for you, my friend.